interview with the friendliest dictator above Saudi Arabia
hello friends. if you've been hip to whatever's been going down western Asia, you definitely have heard that my song "no free upgrades" has been voted song of the summer, winter, spring and fall for three years running in the wonderful country of Dannybad! what? you've never heard of Dannybad?
well, its the world's most unassuming utopia. with it's moderately green parks and semi-futuristic apartment buildings, Dannybad is the pinnacle of culture and freedom. as you can see, it's conveniently located 10,000 feet above Saudi Arabia. it's also run by the one of the nicest dictators i've ever met, Dan Bier.
now Dan and i go way back - his music inspired me to start velcro team. his debut album (what's the wordy) whirlybirdy?, released in 1978, was a huge hit. anyway, i traveled to Dannybad to play a few shows there. the crowds were pretty drunk, but i caught up with dictator Dan, who was somewhat sober.
vt: Dan, how's it going? how's dictatorship treating you?
Dan: it's going pretty well. can't complain. well...i could. but i won't.
vt: thanks for refraining. so what has been happening in Dannybad recently? i've heard that you've been trying to get your country's name out there.
Dan: well i recently interviewed two presidential candidates, Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders.
vt: an interview with Cruz sounds...delightful. but-
Dan: there was a bit of tension there. some punches were thrown after i hypothetically proposed fucking his wife.
vt: ...um.
Dan: it was one of my key points in our debate concerning abortion. the beating is no matter now.
vt: alllllright. what about Sanders? i'm sure he had something of substance to discuss.
Dan: he drank a liter of seltzer and a gallon of milk, after saying a little about wall street. he didn't stay long.
vt: oh. that's very...interesting. so are you partial to either candidate?
Dan: i'm not really at liberty to discuss that, as Dannybad prides itself as being moderate about almost everything. although getting beaten up is worse than watching an old man whine about an egg cream. what about yourself?
vt: me? hm. well it comes down to whether i want a libertarian theocracy or state socialism.
Dan: and?
vt: neither. anarcho-communism will destroy democracy.
Dan: fair enough.
vt: so after my third year of being the artist behind the song of the summer, winter, spring, and fall in Dannybad, i've been reflecting on my musical influences. your music is a big part of what makes velcro team velcro team.
Dan: thank you very much. i really haven't spoken about my music since i became dictator...
vt: it's been such a big influence on me, especially your sophomore album, shit hounds from hell.
Dan: i really consider that one a failure. i was too discouraged to continue making music after that album, so i haven't made anything since.
vt: honestly, the failure of shit hounds was simply because it was ahead of it's time, too avant-garde, you know? now, that sort of sound is considered pop, especially in Dannybad. i'm sure if you put some tunes together, your song could be the next hit song of the summer.
Dan: you're probably right. Caleb, hand me that pocket synthesizer.
Caleb: sure thing, Dan.
vt: thanks for talking with me, Dan. it was nice to catch up.
Dan: likewise, likewise. (makes weird-ass sounds with pocket synth)
if you're interested in learning more about Dannybad/following Dan Bier, head over to danbier.tumblr.com.